Off to college: A love letter to my first born

I spent my whole life waiting for you. You were the one who made me a mother...the one I imagined when I thought about being a grown up with a family..."playing house." I loved you before I even knew you were a possibility...and then, when I heard your heart beat for the very 1st time...that rhythmic sound of a life...of you...I loved you even more. 

There is nothing that prepares us for being a mother. We have preconceived experiences and notions of it...maybe influenced by our own up bringing or the one we dream of. But, we don't REALLY know until we experience it first hand. 

It makes our heart grow ten fold while breaking it just a little because we know we cannot protect you from everything. And we know some day sooner than we would like that "umbilical cord" will be cut figuratively several times in your life time as our child...18 years to date....perhaps it never ends...

I am going to be okay. But right now, if I'm being truthful...I am not okay. The one thing I can compare this experience to is giving birth to you and then, having to go back to work when you were just 5 months. I worried that no one would know how to take care of you...that you need "Bear" to sleep...that you are an incredible sleeper once down, but if you wake up and "don't sleep through the night" you are probably sick, this is the truth, easiest baby there ever was. You always woke up with a huge smile on on your face...but would they care for you when you weren't well as well as me?

I worry now will someone else know you have one of the kindest hearts around and not to break it? Will they know you are really that girl who is too good to be true? Will they know you are pretty darn smart and that you are a fighter and you persevere? There literally is nothing you cannot accomplish. Will they love and protect you the way I have?

I am going to be okay. But right now, I am going to be checking in...trying hard not to over do it...giving you your space to spread your wings...just the way I have raised you to do, take a chance & spread your wings. But, I am also here if YOU need me a little more than usual on some days...or for no reason at all once the excitement has worn off.  I will always be here because I have raised you to know you can count on me whenever you need me. 

It hasn't even been 12 hours since we left our home to drop you and your father off at the airport. By the way, of course you fall in love with the college that is as far away as could be....because I raised you to go big and go after your dreams...even if they are a little or a lot scary.  Once you set your sights on something that you really care about and believe in...you make it happen...literally right before our eyes. 

I'm going to be okay. But promise me, you will occasionally ask yourself WWMMD? What would my mother do (or say)? I don't have all the answers that is for sure...but for those moments when something doesn't feel right or certain.. ask yourself that....

When you were a newborn and up through until you wouldn't let me rock you to sleep...I would sing to you "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine...you make me happy when skies are gray...you'll never know dear, how much I love you...please don't take my sunshine away."

I am going to be okay because I know you are shining your sunshine on the whole world now, paving your own way and filling your own heart and dreams while spreading that beautiful smile and heart to all who know you and those just meet you by chance...

I am going to be okay because I have been given the gift of being your mother.