I am dancing with the devil when what I want to do is blow the fuck out of it like wartime. This is a very difficult place for me to be as my personality traits are very much in line with go big or go home....all or nothing. It's just the way I've always been. There's some things you just can't change when it's the very core of who you are.
Everything feels so out of control right now. I bought into the program. I agreed to the commitment of a year of treatment...like a marathon with the hopes of a medal at the end. But I've barely began my race, and I keep getting disrupted & stopped from the path I've committed to. When you literally are running a long run or race, for me anyway, the worst thing to do is stop because then you might start to get cold, cramp up & just feel like shit in general. As a runner, I need to keep going towards the light...towards the end goal so I don't feel the pain & just get to where I need to get to.
As you may know, I've quite literally been stopped in my marathon of treatment. It seems I'm an anomaly but this time not in a good way. To medically better understand...if you think of traditional chemo as wiping out every single thing...the good & the bad & that's where the trouble arises. In immunotherapy, the drugs rev of your immune system to try to get your body to kill the cancer. It can spark things up too much and in turn, turn on you literally. That is where I am at. They say the cure will try to kill you as well....
Being in this standstill like being stopped in the middle of a marathon. It is incredibly painful. It brings forth all the emotions that are quite normal but not productive in keeping a positive mindset. I am playing the "what ifs" game and I don't know how to stop.
It also has me kind of feeling like this is all a little unfair. I mean I know life is not fair, that's for sure. But when you are healthier than 95% of the population out there...this cuts like a fucking knife. Even now, all my labs, my vitals...all those things that are critical to being healthy in general...you would never know I was a 49 year old woman with stage 3 metastatic cancer. I wouldn't choose to be any different than what I am (minus the cancer part), but I admit it does have me thinking " are you kidding me?!"
Anyway, next on the docket is a biopsy of the organ that is being affected. I'm not thrilled about that as it will put me out from lifting anything heavier than 10lbs and I'm assuming probably running. I haven't read through all the post-op stuff yet. Sometimes information on a "as needs to know" basis is all I can handle.
It's Saturday, I've got a giant "sleep hangover" because I can't seem to get enough rest. Dancing with the devil feels way more tiring than running straight forth blowing shit up like a badass. This takes patience and grace and frankly that in of itself is wearing me out.
And so, I wait and continue the dance with the devil....
"...I know I've got enough...I've got peace and I've got love...But I'm up at night thinkin' I just might lose it all...I need these beautiful things that I've got."
