Fat girl stuck in a thin girl's body

 Looking back, I think one of those pinnacle rock bottom moments (usually we have a few) was when I figured out how to open up the drain in the dorm shower so that I could purge the little food I had eaten while under the guise to my roommates that I was just taking a long shower. It still haunts me over 25 years later as I was so ashamed for being so desperate. I didn't want to live this way but I didn't know how to live without tormenting my body through starvation, binging and purging, and over exercising. 

We are all capable of such obsessive compulsive behaviors and addiction. Some of us more than others. There are so many different vices but ultimately the desire for control and the lack there of control is a daily battle. For me between 19-22 years old, it was restricting food, starving, purging and exercising all the time (despite being a college athlete who already spent many hours in the gym).

To say it was my sport that caused it is the farthest thing from the truth. For me, it was a myriad of things that ended up snowballing. Yes, I definitely had a distorted body image. It did not help that at the time, there were not a lot of images for young female athletes to look up to. I worshipped Gabrielle Reece but even she was not someone I could identify with as she was 6'2 and quite thin herself.  I also was in a relationship with an alcoholic so needless to say two sick people make for a disaster and further propelled me into my quest to find control. Throw in a cancer diagnosis of my mom, and you basically have the perfect recipe for illness. 

My quest for control came in the form of creating what I felt was the perfect body. I remember thinking if I was just a little bit thinner with my muscles a little more defined, I would be fine with it. The problem was what I saw in the mirror and reality were worlds apart. I would never be able to see the truth and would always be chasing this image I created. The quest for "perfection" would never end causing an endless cycle putting my health in risk and tormenting me emotionally. 

Fast forward to that pinnacle moment we usually have when we look around and finally feel like we had made it. For me, it was when I was pregnant with my first child, and I actually became more comfortable with myself than I probably had been in my entire life. For the first time, I actually felt beautiful, strong, and with a purpose that was worthy. I vowed to myself that I would be the example of strength and health so that none of my future children would ever go through the pain of what I went through. 

Not your average dreamer.....

 You may call me a dreamer...but I am not the only one...

Difference is I don't rely on anyone but my own hard work, dedication, sweat, tears & blood...I am not waiting to be saved. I have and will always continue to save myself through my hard work, not giving up when others do, and going harder when it seems like all is lost. Sometimes I lose my way...but I never lose my vision or who I am....

I took some time off from my contract as a "Cure" writer because frankly, I am kind of done writing about Cancer...for now & maybe forever...it was a great paying gig let's face it but where I am today....I am looking far past the miles I was in....I am looking for the next marathon and the one after that...and I will stay stuck if I keep rehashing that "one bad race." I want to write about the next race, the next success...the next learning experience...the next whatever as long as it has nothing to do with the C word. 

Lately though, I've had a lot of painfully passionate projects & ideas ringing through my head...ringing so hard I needed to run many, many miles until I could just put them to rest...because right now, we are living in a world where we cannot voice ALL our truths without being vilified or called names for not going with the majority or the flow of the people we live amongst.  I've also been told maybe I shouldn't tell some of my stories...and maybe I shouldn't...and maybe I should play nice and maybe I should also go along with what the cool kids in my town do or say...but one thing I know...girls who play nice usually lose and people who just go along with the crowd because they are too scared to have their own opinions...well, they end up losers too. 

So in my usual routine on a snowy early morning when everyone is avoiding the roads, I took to them. It was a slippery run because it had snowed finally, and I had left my grippers up North but I ran anyway because that was everything that I needed in that moment. 

My beautiful picturesque town who has been showing many shades of ugly in the Winter because of all we are going through right now with Covid 19, kids being out of school since March 13th....and the rest of all the ugly you can easily find on any social media group platform....

I ran through our town this morning seeing newly Patriotic flags...not all hung correctly...but hey it's a start...and even if we don't agree with all things, I will never vilify you or demean you for having a difference of opinion.....or not hanging it correctly (stars first on the left, stripes to the right if you don't hang it from a pole)....

This beautiful Seacoast town this morning, finally covered in some snow....disguising all it's bruises and imperfections....hard to see all the "Closed for Hibernation" or "For Lease" when you are blanketed in a fresh coat of snow....like a beautiful girl who thinks she's ugly and needs to cover her blemishes with makeup & falsies....

I will keep dreaming....but my dreams come with action....girls like me don't wait for white horses and a prince to save her...we jump on and start riding the damn horse ourselves even if we don't know what we are doing, where we are going, or for that matter how we may get there....

Dreamers are not always poetic nor are they always politically correct. Dreamers lace that shit up and just start running and maybe while they are out there they will figure out where they are going and how far they are going to take it. 

Cheers to all the dreamers not afraid to speak up, go against the mold, and to double down when the shit gets tough.