The Comeback

The sun does rise again after a sunset. The flowers do bloom after a long, cold winter. And life does go on after a death, illness, tragedy, or an oxygen depriving, blind-siding sucker punch to the gut…

In running and in my lifetime of sport, I have always wanted to be perfect…train exactly how I need to in order to get the result I am aiming to get. Like a simple math equation, if I do x and y then, I will get z…done. Of course, life and life as a runner, a mom, a wife…fully employed managing a health club while managing my own home life & our own rental properties…it never, ever goes as smoothly as that…but I have always managed to pull off exactly what I needed to do for my “win.”

The question remains…can I run a race knowing I am not 100%...knowing that I was asked with the intent of this being “fun” versus the last time we ran it to chase a prize…Is it possible to rise from the injured runner cemetery and train a short time to complete a race? Can I put my ego aside and just be…just run…that’s all I’m expected to do…complete it and have fun…

Sounds like a dream for someone trying to make a comeback…a nice way to ease back into the game…problem is, my all or nothing attitude…that attitude that has gotten me far in my athletic endeavors could hold me back and drown me this time around or hurt me. My all or nothing ego…has given me so many opportunities and experiences and yet, could hold me back in the blink of an eye.

The pressure has already been taken off by the team sponsor…but I’ve never been competitive with everyone else…I am competitive with myself…always trying to prove I am worthy, I am strong, I am smart, I am good…enough…

Nothing is a definite but when you know the expectations and you know you can meet them, then, really…you have got nothing to lose…Because maybe having an all or nothing attitude worked before, but maybe, just maybe…the time is right to learn how to ride the bumps without getting too excited or too deflated…to just show up and play for the sake of finishing. 

Maybe somewhere there is a shade of gray that I will learn to like…that I can meet in the middle. I might not be running my fastest, and I might not be taking one for the team…but maybe…just showing up, doing my part by participating is the “win”.

If there is one thing I have learned, in life, work, love, and running…it doesn’t always have to be perfect, and it doesn’t even have to be great…but making a comeback after the fall…making an attempt at a comeback, even if it’s awkward, uncomfortable and not always pretty, maybe that is what matters most of all…

Run, lift, breathe: Life in Between

Life in Between

I am an all or nothing kind of girl...for good and for bad.  When I am in training, it's all I think about, talk about & dream about...right down to what I eat, how I sleep, and everything else. If I take on a goal, there is nothing that will get in my way to not achieve it...I have tunnel vision, & I refuse to quit until I get there.

On the flip side...if I'm not "in it to win it", I just assume not participate or engage at all. Oh sure, there's a few things I can fake like the best of them...my morning time yoga while slurping on my bullet proof coffee (why of course I practice yoga, all runners should right...my version, totally faking it). But otherwise, if I'm not chasing it down, on the hunt...I"m not partaking in it.

I do just fine with this sort of attitude & approach to life...maybe sometimes I miss out by not being more in between, but I don't like to do things half-assed...partially in it...gray...can't stand that not completely committed feeling...it's kind of like being on a roller coaster but you never quite get to the good stuff...you're just riding along, slow and steady...never really taking the plunge or taking an upside down loop...

I guess to me...life in between is REALLY like riding a merry go round. You never really get nervous or scared, and you never really laugh so hard in pure adrenaline. You are safe, and sure, it may be enjoyable for a moment, but then, you find you aren't getting anywhere. And  you are just looking at the same thing, over and over again...life in between...I just assume not ride it.

My running life right now is life in between. I am not training for any race...I am just there. Running with no purpose. I am not resting my injury either. Just in between... plodding along...not pushing the limits, not going for it...

This is not an easy place for me to be...in fact, it's downright uncomfortable. I would rather die trying at just about anything than just coasting, doing absolutely nothing. Basically, that leaves me feeling a little irritable, grouchy, & like I'm walking around missing something...

It also means that as a coach & as a person participating in life, I can be disappointed...heart broken, crushed...that someone wasn't drinking the same Kool-Aid I was drinking...they were just living life in between...not fully committed...until they were just not committed at all....

Maybe there is a lesson in all this...for me, to learn that it does not always have to be all or nothing...or maybe that when I throw my all into something, someone, I should do it guarded and with less passion so that if I get let down, it's a little lighter and easier...less uncomfortable...

That leaves me with two choices...to be that overly passionate person...knowing I may be disappointed at times...Or be that person that plays it safe, just slow and steady...never getting hurt, but never getting anywhere...

For now, i only know one way...so I'll continue opting for the roller coaster of a ride...risking getting disappointed, rolling the dice hoping for doubles, and leaving it out there on the road and in life...I might cry sometimes, I might limp around...but you will never, ever doubt where my heart lies...right out there, in it to win it....