It is hard to believe I am back at this bullshit. Here's the thing...it never went away. For 8 Years and I don't know 8 months it's been lurking in me I guess. Waiting to disrupt what would have been my 9 years of no evidence of disease. I am reminded that I never used the word cure because you really never know. I just moved so far past the Cancer years, it rarely entered my mind. I didn't live afraid of it coming back. Now I fear having to live a life where it may never go away....though living with it would be a better option given the alternative.
The positive is that I have my choice in clinical trials. Make no mistake...they are trying all the time to find a cure, & they've come so far in 8 years. Traditional chemo doesn't work well for this type of cancer. The two trials are frankly quite scary whether you are a gambler or not...and I have always gone brave and bold in this shit ass journey. I think for once after giving it much thought, letting it marinate, and a lot of talking it out...that is not the best choice. Going big and trying to get past this as fast as I possibly can may not give the best outcome as the percent of things that can go very wrong is much higher. When you think about looking for longevity, commitment is the better option. Living with metastatic disease while treating it & being thoughtful & thorough & ready to pivot if necessary is the better plan. If I'm lucky maybe it will work.
And so, the trial I will start is rather ironic or maybe not....it is the marathon...treatment for one whole year (pending something doesn't go wrong that forces me to have to stop). A lot of things could go wrong...but a lot of things could go right.
People get very hung up on numbers and stages and survival rates. The only thing that is clear to me is that I have beat odds once before, so I don't need to know any of those numbers this time around. It was 8 years ago when I ran Boston as a qualified runner. Everyone told me the odds were low that a first time marathoner COULD qualify for Boston. But, I am not everyone, & I did succeed. I also was a coin flip in survival odds the 1st time I was diagnosed with cancer...one week after I ran Boston.
So maybe my 1st bout with cancer was in preparation to really run the race...run that cancer marathon. If that's the case, here we go again. But for the record, I'm not brave nor bold. I am angry. I am scared. I still am having moments where I start to laugh uncontrollably & then I tear up because this is so ridiculous that I am dealing with this again but at a whole other level. This reoccurrence is crafty & not cut and dry. So yes....today I am not feeling brave or bold, I just am here..sitting in all this on a Monday doing work for my shop while having virtual "chemo" info sessions & scheduling all the other things that need to happen prior to treatment.
I'll say it again....I am not brave nor am I bold...but I will fake it until I make it. Anyone can sit around in their house and "not live" because they are afraid to break. I refuse to live that way. I can't cope with this diagnosis living that way. And so I will play the role of brave & bold, and I will continue with my life's plans in between the inconvenience of this disease.
The sun is literally coming out right now as I type this...so I must go run a few miles before I go back to my regular Monday of being a mom, being a business owner and fighting the good fight. Hey cancer not this girl...
