Cancer Update: Dance with the Devil

 I am dancing with the devil when what I want to do is blow the fuck out of it like wartime. This is a very difficult place for me to be as my personality traits are very much in line with go big or go home....all or nothing. It's just the way I've always been. There's some things you just can't change when it's the very core of who you are. 

Everything feels so out of control right now. I bought into the program. I agreed to the commitment of a year of treatment...like a marathon with the hopes of a medal at the end. But I've barely began my race, and I keep getting disrupted & stopped from the path I've committed to. When you literally are running a long run or race, for me anyway, the worst thing to do is stop because then you might start to get cold, cramp up & just feel like shit in general. As a runner, I need to keep going towards the light...towards the end goal so I don't feel the pain & just get to where I need to get to.

As you may know, I've quite literally been stopped in my marathon of treatment. It seems I'm an anomaly but this time not in a good way. To medically better understand...if you think of traditional chemo as wiping out every single thing...the good & the bad & that's where the trouble arises. In immunotherapy, the drugs rev of your immune system to try to get your body to kill the cancer. It can spark things up too much and in turn, turn on you literally. That is where I am at. They say the cure will try to kill you as well....

Being in this standstill like being stopped in the middle of a marathon. It is incredibly painful. It brings forth all the emotions that are quite normal but not productive in keeping a positive mindset. I am playing the "what ifs" game and I don't know how to stop. 

It also has me kind of feeling like this is all a little unfair. I mean I know life is not fair, that's for sure. But when you are healthier than 95% of the population out there...this cuts like a fucking knife. Even now, all my labs, my vitals...all those things that are critical to being healthy in general...you would never know I was a 49 year old woman with stage 3 metastatic cancer. I wouldn't choose to be any different than what I am (minus the cancer part), but I admit it does have me thinking " are you kidding me?!"

Anyway, next on the docket is a biopsy of the organ that is being affected. I'm not thrilled about that as it will put me out from lifting anything heavier than 10lbs and I'm assuming probably running. I haven't read through all the post-op stuff yet. Sometimes information on a "as needs to know" basis is all I can handle.  

It's Saturday, I've got a giant "sleep hangover" because I can't seem to get enough rest. Dancing with the devil feels way more tiring than running straight forth blowing shit up like a badass. This takes patience and grace and frankly that in of itself is wearing me out. 

And so, I wait and continue the dance with the devil....

"...I know I've got enough...I've got peace and I've got love...But I'm up at night thinkin' I just might lose it all...I need these beautiful things that I've got."

Cancer Update

 It is hard to believe I am back at this bullshit. Here's the thing...it never went away. For 8 Years and I don't know 8 months it's been lurking in me I guess. Waiting to disrupt what would have been my 9 years of no evidence of disease. I am reminded that I never used the word cure because you really never know. I just moved so far past the Cancer years, it rarely entered my mind. I didn't live afraid of it coming back. Now I fear having to live a life where it may never go away....though living with it would be a better option given the alternative. 

The positive is that I have my choice in clinical trials. Make no mistake...they are trying all the time to find a cure, & they've come so far in 8 years. Traditional chemo doesn't work well for this type of cancer. The two trials are frankly quite scary whether you are a gambler or not...and I have always gone brave and bold in this shit ass journey. I think for once after giving it much thought, letting it marinate, and a lot of talking it out...that is not the best choice. Going big and trying to get past this as fast as I possibly can may not give the best outcome as the percent of things that can go very wrong is much higher. When you think about looking for longevity, commitment is the better option. Living with metastatic disease while treating it & being thoughtful & thorough & ready to pivot if necessary is the better plan. If I'm lucky maybe it will work.

And so, the trial I will start is rather ironic or maybe not....it is the marathon...treatment for one whole year (pending something doesn't go wrong that forces me to have to stop). A lot of things could go wrong...but a lot of things could go right. 

People get very hung up on numbers and stages and survival rates. The only thing that is clear to me is that I have beat odds once before, so I don't need to know any of those numbers this time around. It was 8 years ago when I ran Boston as a qualified runner. Everyone told me the odds were low that a first time marathoner COULD qualify for Boston. But, I am not everyone, & I did succeed. I also was a coin flip in survival odds the 1st time I was diagnosed with cancer...one week after I ran Boston. 

So maybe my 1st bout with cancer was in preparation to really run the race...run that cancer marathon. If that's the case, here we go again. But for the record, I'm not brave nor bold. I am angry. I am scared. I still am having moments where I start to laugh uncontrollably & then I tear up because this is so ridiculous that I am dealing with this again but at a whole other level. This reoccurrence is crafty & not cut and dry. So yes....today I am not feeling brave or bold, I just am here..sitting in all this on a Monday doing work for my shop while having virtual "chemo" info sessions & scheduling all the other things that need to happen prior to treatment. 

I'll say it again....I am not brave nor am I bold...but I will fake it until I make it. Anyone can sit around in their house and "not live" because they are afraid to break. I refuse to live that way. I can't cope with this diagnosis living that way. And so I will play the role of brave & bold, and I will continue with my life's plans in between the inconvenience of this disease. 

The sun is literally coming out right now as I type this...so I must go run a few miles before I go back to my regular Monday of being a mom, being a business owner and fighting the good fight. Hey cancer not this girl...

Is there luck in a cancer diagnosis...

 Today was our 1 year anniversary of opening our Aroma Joe's coffee shop. I was literally thinking about what I was going to post to commemorate the date in social media. I love looking at the memories of the ups and downs and fears & fights conquered. I headed home & saw the email of the labs notification and then, my phone rang....cardinal's law for me anyway, important news always comes when I am at work or driving on 95N. I don't know why but I've lived this historically for the past 20+ years. 

"I'm sorry to have to tell you this"....and we know the rest. I haven't quite figured out if I am really God damn lucky or really unlucky. You see, a longtime friend of ours is battling the battle...and I think of him every single day because it's the same cancer I had almost 9 years ago. And then, I met someone at Rotary who's son had passed in his 20's & Dad fundraises for the cause...same cancer. This felt all too familiar a sign for me. 

I do believe in signs and being aware of the universe trying to point you in a direction. Back to last week...so, I called and in less than 24 hours, I was having biopsies done at my insistence. Fast forward 4 days later...I've been referred back to the place where I started. Luckily or unluckily, when you've been a VIP Cancer patient...they make things happen. Less than 24 hours I head back into Yawkey Way...if you know, then you know. 

I'm f*&*ing pissed because this should have been the Summer of 9 years cancer free. I'm so mad I think I could really knock someone out because this was not the chapter that was suppose to happen.

Back to Friday going in for the biopsies, they thought I was crazy. "What doctor is referring you for these biopsies"...."I am, I am referring myself. I've already had Stage 3 cancer so this is what we need to do." So they obliged, given my history even though they didn't think anything was unusual. Damn I wish I was wrong.

So am I lucky or am I unlucky? I've lived 8 years cancer free & was so close to 9...my lucky number. I guess time will tell. For now, I'm mad...mad as hell. Tomorrow I will run...then go work the business...and then, head into the oncology department once again. 

I have a lot of tears and a whole lot of anger in me...but I'm lucky. I am self aware and pay attention to things around me. I really feel like I could have easily ignored all the signs in the universe & who knows? Instead, I responded to a gutteral feeling...and while unlucky, my gut was correct...at least maybe Im lucky enough to have a good shot to fight again...