Running towards Cancer

  Three Mondays ago, I was running the Boston Marathon. Two Mondays ago, I got the call that my biopsy was positive. This past Monday, I got up, ran, brought kids to school, went to work...etc, etc...except this past Monday I knew I had cancer.
  Life continued to go on, as did I as I plowed through my normalcies of the day...all the while waiting for the end of the week...when I would go to the hospital to have my pet scans...checking to see if the cancer had spread to my vital organs.
  I've always ran from things...when my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer...I ran. When I dated a guy with a drinking problem...I ran. When I couldn't look in the mirror without seeing  imperfection...I ran.
  I ran yesterday when I couldn't stay in control of my emotions...that pendulum you swing on when you've been told it's positive...going back and forth from fear for my kids to brave, I'm going to kick this cancer's ass...to just plain annoyance because I don't have time for this.
  I can't run away from this one. I have to face it head on...I will continue to run because that's what I do...but I won't run away from my feelings of being scared, frustrated, & annoyed.
  I also won't run away from the world and pretend like this isn't happening. It is...and I will run to as many people as I can and maybe my embracing and running towards the truth will help them save someone they love or themselves.
  Today is Thursday night....I found out just a bit ago that my pet scans look clear. I do know I still have some hurdles to run towards face on...a surgery or two...and those results will dictate the path of treatment. I won't be able to run for a little bit after these surgeries...but I will still be running, hurdling each step as I come to it.

Boston: A Story of Compassion

To steal a line from my upmost favorite movie of all times..."Love, actually is, all around"...This has never been truer for me than at the Boston Marathon...
As a spectator in the past, I was aware of the energy and excitment...as a runner, I experienced the love & compassion...there are good, good people...you just have to stop and look around...love is really all around....
Of all the stories I could tell of my first experience at the Boston Marathon as a runner...the most powerful and most emotional one happened well after I had crossed the finish line.
The weather was a high 30's, low 40's...I had been poured on in my coral while I was waiting to start...the rain continued along the route from Hopkinton to Boston. I rung my shirt out at each water stop...by the time we hit the city...the winds had really set in.
When you finally cross the finish line of a marathon....and stop...that's when everything starts...your body temperature drops,  your hip flexors start firing...if you haven't had any cramping yet...you will, somewhere...the nauseau sets in...you need liquid, salt, anthing to try to get the body back in balance...and as you are going through this...you are desparately searching for your person...your family...the people who will help carry you to the car so to speak or sometimes quite literally...
I stood out at that family meeting area for B (as in Beland) for over 30 minutes...the wind was whipping my post finish blanket around...two separate people stopped to try and help me, and call my people...noone answered their phone. A man even wrapped me in his coat until his person finished...I assured him I was okay & gave him his coat for his wife...& proceeded to try and find our 2nd back up meeting area. The only minor problem was that now I was violently shaking & began to feel a little disorientated...all I could see was tall, massive sky scrapers...and strangers everywhere...I made it over to the wall of one of the buildings to hover against from the wind with tears streaming down my face...
Another woman must have noticed me & asked me if I was okay...all I could mutter was Boston Common (that's where our 2nd meeting place was)....I remember the officer coming over & I insisted that no I didn't need a wheelchair or medical help...that I just needed someone to point me which direction to go...
The officer was on security duty of the family area...He cursed that he wished he had his cruiser otherwise he'd drive me over right then and there. Instead, he did what he could and he guided me away from the area, we crossed some traffic and he pointed straight away to the Common...there 3 people stood outside their hotel and I remember them talking with the cop & then, taking over.
I don't remember their names...two of them were a couple from DC...the man was suppose to run the marathon but was sidelined because of a vein thrombosis...they joked and made light of this, something about 6 feet under...the 3rd person was their friend from Vermont....
They wrapped me in coats, & wrapped their arms on both sides of me...walking me along the city blocks to the common. They called my husband...got me into a parking kiosk/shelter...one rubbed my quads the other was rubbing my hands and fingers...while the 3rd, told jokes & kept trying to make me drink water.
I  know tears continued to flow down my face...but they are tears of gratitude...here when I couldn't find my family to help me...three complete strangers became that...they recognized I was in trouble, they came to my need...all I could do was thank them when my husband finally came to the spot they had directed him to over the phone....they gave me huge hugs and kisses on the cheek & told me congratulations...and then, they were gone.
I can't even remember their names....and I'm not sure I would recognize them if I saw them....but that moment, they were my family...
Boston is such a special event...there are so many acts of love, kindness and compassion along the way...every person is there with one intent...to support someone...I'll never forget that feeling...that feeling that there is so, so much good in the world...so much love...all it takes is one samll act of kindness.
I will never forget my Boston family...they reminded me that love actually is all around...and all it takes is one simple act of compassion...

To My 3 Daughters,

I know my training sometimes takes a toll on you that I don't always realize. I am sometimes tired, and I get distracted when you're telling me what you did at school...or the amazing book you just started from the library...for that I am truly, deeply sorry...sorry for not always being as attentive as you need me to be at that moment...x the three of you.

I am so sorry I forgot to remind your grandparents about your history project presentation. I forgot to pack two snacks because in 4th grade you have snack 2x. And my littlest, yes, I keep falling asleep when you are practicing your amazing 1st grade reading skills.

What you may not realize, that someday I hope you will see...all my training, all my running...every time I set out to conquer something new...I do it for you.  Well, it is for me first...but 2nd most important...Iam trying to teach you in the only way I know how...so that you learn all the things I wish I had known. There are so many things I want you to know, so many skills for you to learn, so that you can be the strong, independent & world changing women I think you will be someday.

So here's my list of what I hope for you some day...and how I got to be the person I am today...someone who sometimes is distracted, or limping down the stairs....or signing up for a race I have no time or business training for with my only 80 percent well body...believe it or not, I do it all for you....

1. Don't ever, ever take "you can't" as the final answer when it comes to your abilities. I started a running career based on "you are just not built for long distance running." Use that to fuel you when you are about to give up...on a run, on the field, in the classroom...wherever...nobody can tell you, you can't, except you...and if you choose to give up, it's your choice. But, remember this...you have my stubborn persistance...so it will sit better with you to try and fail than to give up.

2.  It's okay to put yourself first sometimes...you will need to learn this an adult and especially when you are managing your own family some day. I know you wouldn't believe this now but some day, you will realize I probably should have put myself first more often. Training for Boston right now, is so hard. With all your ski racing, basketball, and now LAX starting up...the one time I do put myself ahead of you all is when it is bedtime...when I've crawled into bed at 9pm and fallen asleep immediately. Can you even imagine what it's like training for a marathon while trying to fuel your own kids' dreams of Olympic Ski Team? I do get cranky when you need to be in bed...because I am exhausted. When you take care of yourself first, you are able to help many more people around you. Remember this. And whether you become an Olympic skier, an artist, or a politician...sleep is the cure for everything.

3.  You are beautiful....I am still running a lot & running hard trying to figure this one out. I hope for you that you realize that just because you don't fit into the "norm" doesn't mean you aren't perfectly beautiful. I've wasted a whole half of my life fighting this one...you are going to be very tall. You are likely going to have beautiful strong shoulders. I know you will have very long, very strong legs....you are beautiful. Just the way you are. You will not be of normal height or build. You won't blend in. And you probably won't be a 120lb supermodel (thank God!!!) If I had taken up running earlier in my life...it might have saved me a lot of heartache and health problems. I run now because it is the one time I do feel beautiful and can embrace my strength and be at ease with it....even when I am not completely well...inside or out.  I hope you will always feel beautiful for who you are no matter what you are doing....because you are perfect exactly the way you are.

4.  You have no limits...Bdawg, right now you want to be an Olympic ski racer, archeologist, and have your own business (that ski sled for race day equipment should be patented! Like now before college!)....you can do it all. All it takes is hard work. And maybe you my middle...will surprise us all...you with your little technical brain...trying to create websites and playing chess and out skiing the whole family....the world is at your finger tips, you can, you absolutely can. And my big baby...my little Gronk...always smiling, easy...you could be a world famous artist while "out playing" your whole family at any sport..I just know with your organic and clean eating habits..once you find your sport, you will out play and out muscle us all...all while keeping us entertained with your comic ways.

5. Be proud to be yourself...I will never run as fast as one of dear friends. That's okay. I may never run another marathon after Boston...and that's okay. I am a squeaker...I qualified by the skin of my teeth...but I did it. I won't be breaking any PR's on April 20th...but I will hold my head high because I got the golden ticket to start & no matter how long it takes me, I will be proud to finish. And I will be thinking of you girls the whole time...because on many of those lonely 18, 19, 20 mile training runs...I thought of you...and how proud I am for the girls you are becoming. I am so proud of all three of you...for being you, just the way you are.

I love you all so very much. I will see you after the finish...and I will try to give all three of you my utmost attention and not fall asleep when I get home after the race.

Love,
Mom

Breathe: The "It's NOT a New Year's Resolution"...Change

If the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results...then, call me crazy! But, how do you embrace change if you have had some really good rides along the way?

In running, family, and work, I've had a lot of laughs, a lot of fun, and a lot of kick-ass perserverance...I have, however, had my share of tears, frustration, & disappointment. The high of running a Boston-qualifying marathon, only to spend a year injured, rehabbing and resting....With my family, running around like a lunatic after work, sometimes trying to be everything to everyone and then, snapping at my children in a weak, tired moment because I simply cannot be it all, all the time. And then, in work, sometimes putting IT before my family...funneling all that high enthusiasm and positive energy there, while leaving nothing left for the people who love me and need me the most...and not letting go, always in the wings ready to rescue or help out....only to come home feeling tired, alone, cranky, and still hurting...with no run to solve all my problems.

In my life, I've probably had more ups than downs...but man, the downs hurt...they are hard, & they are never due to lack of effort...so perhaps that means it is time for a change. If I am to always grow, always improve...keep on moving forward...perhaps there is a better way.

I start training fairly soon for Boston. I've enlisted someone who will help me approach it so there will be life after the marathon. I was skeptical at first...plain old rebelling the second time...and now, realizing I have no other choice unless I want to end up with the same result...sidelined...I am ready to embrace it. Ankle mobility exercises...check...hip rotation drills...check...less running, more strength & mobility work...I'm starting to buy it.

And then, the juggle of family life...it has been as crazy and as sporadic as my injured running has been the past year. Faking it until I make it...going through the motions...but dead tired & lacking patience...this has to stop. If I am to survive three active young ladies during our first winter ski racing...I am going to have to come up with a new way of doing things...like the way I feel about running...remembering the joy and thrill of the moment with my family...not being so rigid...and saving some positive love and joy & "go get them" cheers for my people...the loves of my life.

Which leads me to where I spend the majority of my hours daily, at work. I cannot save everyone all of the time. I can't do it all, all of the time...and I am no less of a leader for asking for help and calling on my team to help me when I need it. And, most difficult but probably most important...learning to shut it off...the phone, the email, the calls of help when it's not an emergency...letting go and letting people learn how to figure it out.

I vow to do things different this time around...and while I will not call it a New Year's Resolution...I will resolve to change so that I can take care of myself, my family, and then, my work.

Runlift&breathe: Don't judge a book by its' cover

I have been passed by runners' half my size and twice my size...+ my age and half my age...doesn't matter...and I've surprised people with my own ability..."you're running Boston, as a charity number or qualified???" Yep, I take it personally...but that's because perhaps I've always been an underdog...your average experienced runner doesn't look at me and expect me to be able to do what I can do, most times he/she is surprised that I am even a runner...for me it's not a natural skill, just some training and a lot of mental toughness. When we underdogs are doubted, it only fuels our fire....

It's so cliché, but yet we have to do this time and time again. Do not judge a book by its' cover. I've had amazing life experiences with all types of athletes...playing with and coaching...and some of have been"drafted" athletes, decent full college scholarship athletes and even, just good athletes going to a decent college getting a chance to play...but the one I've met that is perhaps the most talented person/athlete yet...is not who you would expect him to be. He wasn't a college athlete as far as I know...but he's someone that is as fierce as any college athlete I have ever coached or played with...he's probably slower than most of the runners' I currently coach right now...but he is by far the most talented...the most talented athlete, runner, and human being....he doesn't talk loud, draw attention to himself...yet he has me captivated...

This person knows what it is like to be on the outside...he joined my group of crazy fit & experienced washed up athletes...he's a new runner...he's changing his life...he has goals...he's creating a new lifestyle....and he will run his first half marathon...and I am so privileged to have had the opportunity to coach him...why? Because he is tougher than any athlete I know....

Don't judge a book by its' cover...I've had my own experiences with this...how could a 5'10, 155lb broad shoulder washed up volleyball player who has all kinds of old mobility issues and injuries be capable of qualifying for Boston? I don't look pretty when I run...it doesn't look easy...I try to encourage all types of runners...because I too am not a beautiful one...don't judge a book by its' cover...

The thing is...usually the coach leads the pack...guiding the path, the pace, the ultimate goal...in my case, for the first time, I am the student...learning from my own...as he guides from the back of the pack...never giving up...going against all odds....defying all....I can learn from him also...to not give up, to keep persisting and not let the dream die...

Don't judge a book by its' cover...the toughest most amazing athletes, runners, human beings will be the ones you may miss if you do so....stop and take a look around. Who amazes you most? Is it the elite who finishes in the top 5? Or is it the person who defies all odds, despite the lack of support, keeps the eye on the prize....and finishes this race....don't judge a book by it's cover...the person with mental toughness may be someone you least expect....

Love, Boston, & a 2nd Date...

I hesitate to even go here...because as runners we are all a little superstious...We don't wear the race shirts during the race, we eat the exact, same breakfast that we have been eating for the past 500 miles...we wear the exact outfit we've already tried out on at least half a dozen long runs...but I'll take a leap of faith...and share this little tid bit about Boston...because my story is actually a love story.

It's about a girl who liked a boy...a lot...and for the first time learned how to experience joy...the joy in life, in sport, and in love....

18 years ago on Patriot's Day, a boy took a girl out on their first official date to the Boston Marathon. She was not a "real runner" other than the running conditioning  as a collegiate volleyball player. She knew of the Boston marathon but had no real emotional connection to it or running 26 miles.

But, this boy was different than any boy she had met...he was kind, funny, and opened up her eyes to experiences she never knew of...and she liked him a lot...so when he asked her to go on an official date (one that didn't involve 15 of her closest friends, or a frat party, or the same usual bar near campus) she agreed.

 She still remembers riding the train in and seeing the crowds lining up. It was like a scene from a movie, and it was a beautiful sunny day, not too warm...not too cold...and the energy....it was contagious. There were no words to describe the energy.

And so that boy walked her through the crowds after they hopped off the train...to find THE perfect viewing spot....at the 5 miler mark from the finish...one she would someday know oh too well in running that 1st marathon...21+miles in, the wall....

That girl fell in love that day....with a boy...she also fell in love with a new view of life and swore to herself that she would run that marathon someday....

13 years of marriage and 3 children later....last year, I signed up for my first full marathon with one intent...bold, sure.. egotistical, maybe...brazen, you bet your ass....I signed up to train for my 1st full marathon with only one goal in mind...to qualify for Boston.

With hard work & maybe a little luck of the Bostonian Irish...I did qualify for Boston...and last week when registration for 2015 officially opened, I got to sit there at my designated time & frantically wait, plug in my information & wait some more..until I could click that magic SUBMIT button.

I got my official acceptance over the weekend. And so I will get a chance at a second date...this time as a time qualifying runner. So much could happen between now and then, but I've got a 2nd date...and if all goes well between now and then, it will be as magical and memorable as the first one.  

Breathe: Beautiful Girl, Beautiful Run

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder...then, I'm screwed & need to find away to get over myself. You would think that one approaching a milestone birthday would at this point in her life have made amends with her distorted image...but age doesn't always bring complete peace, & it most certainly doesn't equate to wisdom. For some of us, it's a long, slow battle that is always a work in progress...some days being better than others.

Thanks to social media, we are in touch with everyone...I do really depend on it to share the growth & development of my family with all of my family members several miles away. How else would I know that Uncle Kent got voted to councilman or that my neighbor I grew up with is now married with children. It's also convenient and necessary to build a business, keep clients engaged...and so on.

And then, there are the countless check-ins, posts, & pictures of how fabulous everyone is all doing, which I do love to look at and read..and I am right there with the best of them...the difference maybe is that to the outside my life looks amazing (it really is, but maybe not quite what you think).

In a photo, it would appear that life is footloose and fancy free...but maybe things are not always what they seem. Which is what brought me to the conclusion, that apparently I have more work than I realize to do on the inside.

Rewind to a social media project I had been tagged in to complete..(no, not the ice bucket)...but to post 5 photos where you felt beautiful. A friend had just posted hers, & I just loved the idea, because I do really believe there are all kinds of beautiful...inside & out...so that should be easy, dig up some pictures of yourself with loved ones, special events, moments in your life where you felt beautiful... All these ideas ran through my head of trying to emulate that image of strength and confidence...and yet, I still can't manage to find 5...5 photos I feel beautiful inside and out...(please, don't give me that crap that it's on the inside is all that matters...it's Facebook,  you never not posted a picture because you were hideous or posted it because, well, it was not so bad or even better, flattering in all aspects)...so I thought, there must be a mix of photos where I feel beautiful inside because I"m with someone I love & maybe I just happen to look beautiful on the outside...

As the days passed & I still couldn't pull this together... it began to bother me even more that this fun little Facebook project was eating at my brain, ...so much so, that out on a run in the mountains, it's what I thought of as I ascended each hill...Am I worse off than I thought? What happened to being a work in progress? How could I not find 5 pictures of myself? Why am I zeroed in on if my thighs look too big, my shoulders too broad, & my face just not pretty...God, have I not grown at all? What kind of example am I for my girls?

After that run, in usual fashion, I found my girls playing with my phone...and once they saw how sweaty & red I was, they, of course, started snapping away. Later, looking at these pictures of myself after running out to Gunstock in the middle of the day, heat, hills, and everything in between...I realized that maybe I will be okay after all. A beauty queen I am not...and some of those photos...geez, straight to the trash can...but I am okay when I run and right after a run....I feel as good on the inside as a picture perfect photo might entail. That is it:  I do feel beautiful when I run...probably one of the few times,  inside and out...so for now I will hold on to that.

You won't find too many bikini shots of me, and you definitely will have to look hard for me in a dress, heels & a full face of makeup...but you might find some photos of me running or otherwise being active, surrounded by family and friends that have similar lifestyles...probably not looking very picture perfect or even pretty for that matter...but feeling stronger & more beautiful than ever. And maybe that is where beauty lies...